03 November 2009

Survival Down Under

With summer fast approaching and a plethora of tourists about to descend upon us, I thought I would write some hints about preserving yourself in Australia. A list of Personal Safety items for your trip can be found here.

1. Thongs. That is what a flip flop is called in Terra Australis. A type of rubber footwear which worn by all and sundry Down Under, has made Havaianas a Fortune 500 company. Known as the Australian safety slipper it can, however, get you into trouble when crossing a tarred road that has melted in 46 degree heat. A g-string is what we call a thong. G-banger is what pervy office types smashing down bevvies at Young and Jackson's call a g-string.

2. Poisonous things. Most spiders are harmless in Australia. The further north you go, the more spiders blend into their surrounds by adopting attractive tutti fruiti colour themes. I once had a spider with a thorax like an orange golf ball hanging next to my head at a backyard party. In situations like these it is recommended to perform the epileptic manoeuvre. Shake. Shake. Thrust. Shake and thrust your body to remove any spiders that may have started breeding in the folds of your tee. Here is a chart to peruse and familiarise yourself with your poisonous pals.
You will also want a similar chart for poisonous sea, insect, plant and reptile life. Sorry, can't help you there.

3. Aeroguard Tropical strength Aeroguard has afrodesiac qualities and can be used as both perfume and insect repellent. It does not keep snakes away unfortunately. Whilst wearing your Australian safety shoes (thongs) in long grass, carry a stick to beat a path in front of you, thus aggravating any potential predators.

4. The bogan. In the US they have White Trash, a horrible term containing racist undertones. We look to our bogans affectionately as the result of middle class aspirations piled onto a race of convicts and cockney nutjobs. You will inevitably be swayed by the brash charms of the bogan as long as you like Alcopops and patriotic tattoos. Read about it here: http://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/

5. No. Nobody in Australia speaks your language. We can however, confidently order take-away food from any menu you throw at us.

6. Football teams. Usually consisting of groups of bogans, this subgroup of humanity is fond of pack sex involving barely legal girls. Their wags must all work at terracotta tile factories in between regular breast augmentations as they appear orange year round. Avoid the above mentioned at all costs - whilst in Australia do not step foot into bars or casinos.

7. Criminals. Due to our convict past, our criminals are well paid celebrities who have award winning drama shows depicting their greatest achievements. Upon meeting a criminal it is customary to request an autograph and photo. Chopper (a guy jailed for murder who cut someone's ears off - or something) hangs out in Collingwood, Melbourne. I once bumped straight into him whilst distracted. Stay alert. Carry your expensive digital SLR at all times in Collingwood, preferably late at night to not miss photo ops.

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